Bird or a Rat
If you could teach a parrot to say anything, what would it be? Would it sing you to sleep? Creatively insult your ex-boyfriend while you shared a bottle of red wine? Make conversation with your less amicable extended family members for you? I’d make sure it memorized my grocery list and also token bedroom phrases. In this case, the owners never taught their parrots to be quiet.
A Michigan couple got into an argument that ended in a murder and attempted suicide. How did the cops decipher this? According to Huffington Post, the African grey parrot had been repeating the phrase doesn’t f—in the shoot!” clearly traumatized. The victim’s in-laws insist the bird be used as evidence in court, even though the wife has not yet been charged. Most likely, the cops will wing it.
Worse than Chipotle’s Mistake
“What do you prefer on your burritos? Did meat cook long before being shipped from Chicago, beans of suspicious origin, or ninety-seven varieties of salsa? Honestly, none of this matters when you’re intoxicated enough. Now you can experience both substance abuse and low-quality sustenance at the same time! Border protection arrested a woman in Arizona after she attempted to carry a bag full of burritos into the US entrance.
According to HP, drug dogs sniffed around to discover each burrito was nothing but tortillas wrapped around bags of methamphetamines. The suspect admitted she was being paid $500 to smuggle meth into the country, probably so she could afford the guacamole.
What a Deal!
Last night over the phone, I attempted to convince someone of the importance of washing their hands after using the restroom. He is nineteen years old. He insisted there were no bad bacteria on his penis, that it’s cleaner than most of his body because it’s always clothed, and that “it’s not like I’m ripping my d*** off and taping it to my hand!!!” This caused him to receive a text from his father saying, “Your conversation with the girl is inappropriate.” Again, he is nineteen years old. A man in Seattle would probably weigh in regarding the cleanliness of one’s genitals.
He was arrested after a woman in the grocery store reacted to what she thought was one of his purchases at the self-check-out. He had placed his penis gently on top of the scanner, drawing a guard to survey the situation. According to HP, he was just laughing, and even came back to the store later causing further harassment. So next time you run into an issue at the self-check-out and have to please wait for the cashier to assist you please wait for, remember that things could be worse.
Hero of Our Generation
Unfortunately, I am not always quite as caught up with the media as I’d like to be. The following story is from last fall, a story I am utterly disappointed to have missed. The tale follows an attractive yet troubled student with a noble aspiration and portrays the courageous way in which he overcomes adversity. This nearly ten-minute video was filmed by the student’s friend, displaying berating, arguing, and physical aggression toward a manager at the UCONN student union.
Why? He was hammered and just wanted some jalapeno bacon mac and cheese. Not that I’d become a notorious internet sensation for it, but that does sound pretty delicious. Unfortunately, his tirade concludes with his getting arrested in front of students and employees. Luckily, he posted an apology video much later, in which he bequeathed, “For those of you who want to donate mac & cheese to me, please…donate it to a local food pantry”.